Post Thanksgiving

Well, the semester is almost over.  I really did mean to keep up with this a little bit more, but honestly I kind of forgot about it.  I'm going to try and do better though.  Even though I still keep a paper journal where I write down a lot of my emotions, encounters, etc. I still like the idea of keeping my blog up to date.  It's more telling is a lot of ways.  I actually found my old blog on xanga recently.  It's been kind of entertaining to go back through some of my old posts and remember the things that were driving me crazy 5+ years ago.  It's so funny how some of the issues mean as much to me now and they did then and others I can't figure out my own cryptic descriptions enough to even wager a guess at what was bothering me.

But, those old posts are me.  I remember feeling those emotions. I remember being that innocent and that excited about life and all it had to offer.  I remember being angry and bitter when things weren't going how I wanted them to or when I felt like I was invisible to the people I wanted most to see me.  And I look at myself now and see the differences...it amazes me.  Everyone changes in high school and college, but to literally have blog entries to compare to myself now, it was entertaining.

Looking at those entries and looking at what I wanted for myself in the future, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself.  My core hasn't changed.  I still want the same things.  I'm perhaps a little more analytical about my approach to achieving those goals now, but they are in fact the same.  My passions are the same.  I found a list of "Things I wish more people knew about Me" from November of 2005 when I was a junior in high school:

• I love to goof off and be stupid. I don't mind making a fool out of myself, even if I come across as being embarrassed 


• I'm very passionate...if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right 
• I hate quitting 


• I'm not the most graceful person in the world...in fact, I'm rather clumsy 
• 

I went through a time in my life when I literally had no friends at all...my all time low 


• I'm quick to forgive...but not necessarily quick to forget

 
• I'm very analytical.  I think a lot more than I talk 
• 

I love it when guys can make me laugh...not just giggle, but really laugh 


• I hate cliques

• School spirit is a must...even if it means dressing a little funny and acting a little weird, apathy isn't any fun
• I believe in the power of Love
• I'm really really emotional 


• I drive with my windows rolled down and my stereo turned way up and sing at the top of my lungs


• I'm really indecisive
• Pessimistic people annoy me greatly...also people who never or rarely use common sense
• I like to lay out at night and look at the stars
• My favorite place to be is somewhere in prayer
• Favorite bible verse: 1 Peter 5:7


• I'm not ticklish...unless I want to be
• I worry about problems..whether they are mine or someone else's


• I tend to let things build up inside me and then explode all at one time
• I'm really really old fashion
• I love to write...poetry, prose, song...anything

What I love is that all of these things are still true (well, except the poetry and song part...I haven't done that in at least 3 years).  I am more decisive than I used to be, but not by much, and I'm getting better about emotional buildup, but it's still something I struggle with.  But this is still me. It's good to know that I am still the same person, just a wiser, more mature version of myself.

I honestly don't feel like I've gained a significant amount of new knowledge during my first semester of grad school.  Sure, I could rattle off information about theories of development or college campus environmental analysis perspectives, but I don't view that as critical knowledge for the future, even if I should.  Instead, what I have taken away from this semester more than anything else is a deeper understanding of myself and why I am the way I am.  I have been more reflective (both intentionally and unintentionally) this semester than I think I ever have.  And it's been wonderful for me.

I know I'm where I am supposed to be.  I miss Texas more and more everyday and if I didn't have a fellow Texas Aggie up here keeping me company than I would probably lose my mind.  But I know I need to do this.  I need this experience.  I need this opportunity to learn more about myself if nothing else.  I'm learning more about what I want out of life, professionally, personally, emotionally, relationship wise, than I ever did at home.  I am forced to take the time to self-evaluate, and it's been amazing.  I'm realizing there are certain things that I want in life, and certain things I deserve. I'm learning more about people, not just myself but others and what makes them operate and really trying to take the time to establish real relationships with others.

I don't know where this is going to take me.  I have no idea what I'm going to be considering doing with my life this time next year when I start job-searching.  I'm really being forced by powers outside of my control as well as myself to enjoy the moment.  I don't have to worry about that right now.  Right now my concern is what is happening around me.  I'll develop my goals.  Goals are important.  But now is a learning opportunity I must seize with intensity and enthusiasm.  I'm trying not to get bogged down with the details.  I'm never going to have this opportunity again.  Why not make the most of it?