I miss reading for fun....I used to partake in guilty pleasure reading all the time. When I was little my mother used to scold me for staying up until the early hours of the morning reading books by my nightlight in my room, and then rushing to bed when I heard her coming down the hall, diving head first into my pillow, pretending to be asleep when she opened the door. Discovering, on a winding road in southwest Arkansas, that I could not read in cars without getting motion sickness was one of the worst realizations of my childhood.
I've been trying to pinpoint when I really stopped reading. I suppose it slumped in high school when I was gone on debate tournaments, band competitions, UIL competitions, or softball games or tournaments three out of four weekends of the month for four years. Then I get to college, demotivated and uninterested in pretty much anything besides being in College Station and at A&M, that reading anything pretty much takes a back burner to new found freedom to do, well, nothing. Then, when I declared a major in English Literature I was back to reading, and read a lot of really great books-classics I'd heard of my whole life but never took the time to read-and loved it. But it was still just for school, nothing really on my own. Even in the summers, especially with orientation, it was difficult to take the time to let myself escape to the pages of a book.
And I guess that's what it boils down to, letting myself escape. I place so many demands on my time. Many of them are for school, work, or studying, and they should be there. Some demands are social, which are important. But what about the demands I place on myself for me. My time. What do I do with that now? Sleep, watch the three TV shows I insist I stay on top of...and mostly waste away on social media. Facebook, the one of the best and worst parts of my social existence. I've been contemplating it shutting it down for weeks, and something hasn't let me do it yet. Admittedly, I have been reconnecting, and I'm really glad I didn't shut it down when I got back to Iowa like I thought I would or that wouldn't have happened, but still. I need my time to be more about things I want to do, not stalking the lives of people I really don't even talk to anymore.
That being said I read two books this weekend, finishing the Hunger Game trilogy. And loved every minute of it. Stayed in on a Friday, read most of the day on Saturday, stayed up nearly all night Saturday night, relaxing. Reading. Getting lost in a completely fictional world that is not my own. And it was wonderful.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
New Semester, New Opportunities, New Priorities
Well, really the title says it all. I was happy with the way my fall semester turned out. Yeah, there were things I could have done better, and things I probably should have done better, but I can't, and won't complain about how everything shook out. I was happy with my grades, relatively happy with all of my finished products, and quite glad I can mark my first semester of graduate school as a success.
However, that being said I know I've found some areas where I can, and should, improve.
For example, I know that I have a very different outlook on life than a lot of my classmates. Part of that is because of where I'm from, part of that is because I was brought up in the church, and part of that is, well, because I consider myself to be a libertarian-esc Reagan Conservative. I don't think any of my classmates can say that about themselves. Therefore, I know I bring a different perspective to the table, a perspective that should be heard more often. I want to make sure I am well read and well educated on the points we discuss in class. I kind of want to rustle some feathers and bring my perspective to the class room in a way that challenges my classmates to think about things in a different light. My goal for the semester is to do that at least once a week. It's certainly possible. I frequently raise my eyebrows three or four times a week, if for no other reason than a conclusion others come to is a complete 180 than the conclusion I come to. I want to find my voice and use it to challenge my classmates, and in turn myself. I think it will be fun!
I can't necessarily speak from experience, but I can guess that being conservative in a field such as student affairs can be extraordinarily challenging, depending on the functional area. I think it will help during my practicum as I work with Student Veterans. Not to say that all veterans are conservative, I know they are not. But many are. However, I feel like working at the Women's Resource and Action Center (WRAC) would be really difficult for me, not because it's a politically charged environment per say, but I know a lot of the extra issues they deal with are going to be influenced by a more liberal agenda. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I don't think it's an environment where I could be at my best.
I'm extremely pumped about my practicum. I still don't really know what it's going to look like, this office has never had a prac student from our program before so I'm blazing new trails, but I am extremely excited because this is an area where I can really see myself enjoying my work. I worry that I won't be able to completely connect with them. I'm not a veteran. No one is my family is a veteran. I have a cousin in the National Guard who is working towards active duty Army and dozens of friends who are active duty, many of whom I have regular contact with. I have done, and am doing, a lot of reading to educate myself as much as I can, but I often wonder if it's enough? I know for this semester it's perfectly adequate. But what about after graduation? What if I want to go into this functional area as a career? Is caring and academic research enough?
Academics, work, and practicum are coming first this semester. I allowed myself to get too distracted last semester with things that I had no control over yet took a lot of my focus. Obviously I got by just fine, but I'm not letting myself have those distractions this time. I'm flying solo and, have every capability of succeeding while flying solo. I have great friends I can lean on, a wonderful cohort, and a family who is supporting me in my endeavors. What more do I need right now? That being said I am striving for perfection. Not absolute perfection, but my personal definition of perfection. When I know I did my best. I know many of us have talked about having to sacrifice quality for quantity, and that's true. And sometimes it is important to say, "You know what? I'm finished with this," and walk away. But I did that prematurely too many times. I'm not doing that again.
This semester is about me. I'm working out (Insanity might kill me), I'm reading up, I'm doing my research to educate myself so I can articulate my own opinions better, I'm eating right, I'm working on my spiritual life, and, most importantly, I'm not looking back.
However, that being said I know I've found some areas where I can, and should, improve.
For example, I know that I have a very different outlook on life than a lot of my classmates. Part of that is because of where I'm from, part of that is because I was brought up in the church, and part of that is, well, because I consider myself to be a libertarian-esc Reagan Conservative. I don't think any of my classmates can say that about themselves. Therefore, I know I bring a different perspective to the table, a perspective that should be heard more often. I want to make sure I am well read and well educated on the points we discuss in class. I kind of want to rustle some feathers and bring my perspective to the class room in a way that challenges my classmates to think about things in a different light. My goal for the semester is to do that at least once a week. It's certainly possible. I frequently raise my eyebrows three or four times a week, if for no other reason than a conclusion others come to is a complete 180 than the conclusion I come to. I want to find my voice and use it to challenge my classmates, and in turn myself. I think it will be fun!
I can't necessarily speak from experience, but I can guess that being conservative in a field such as student affairs can be extraordinarily challenging, depending on the functional area. I think it will help during my practicum as I work with Student Veterans. Not to say that all veterans are conservative, I know they are not. But many are. However, I feel like working at the Women's Resource and Action Center (WRAC) would be really difficult for me, not because it's a politically charged environment per say, but I know a lot of the extra issues they deal with are going to be influenced by a more liberal agenda. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I don't think it's an environment where I could be at my best.
I'm extremely pumped about my practicum. I still don't really know what it's going to look like, this office has never had a prac student from our program before so I'm blazing new trails, but I am extremely excited because this is an area where I can really see myself enjoying my work. I worry that I won't be able to completely connect with them. I'm not a veteran. No one is my family is a veteran. I have a cousin in the National Guard who is working towards active duty Army and dozens of friends who are active duty, many of whom I have regular contact with. I have done, and am doing, a lot of reading to educate myself as much as I can, but I often wonder if it's enough? I know for this semester it's perfectly adequate. But what about after graduation? What if I want to go into this functional area as a career? Is caring and academic research enough?
Academics, work, and practicum are coming first this semester. I allowed myself to get too distracted last semester with things that I had no control over yet took a lot of my focus. Obviously I got by just fine, but I'm not letting myself have those distractions this time. I'm flying solo and, have every capability of succeeding while flying solo. I have great friends I can lean on, a wonderful cohort, and a family who is supporting me in my endeavors. What more do I need right now? That being said I am striving for perfection. Not absolute perfection, but my personal definition of perfection. When I know I did my best. I know many of us have talked about having to sacrifice quality for quantity, and that's true. And sometimes it is important to say, "You know what? I'm finished with this," and walk away. But I did that prematurely too many times. I'm not doing that again.
This semester is about me. I'm working out (Insanity might kill me), I'm reading up, I'm doing my research to educate myself so I can articulate my own opinions better, I'm eating right, I'm working on my spiritual life, and, most importantly, I'm not looking back.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Post Thanksgiving
Well, the semester is almost over. I really did mean to keep up with this a little bit more, but honestly I kind of forgot about it. I'm going to try and do better though. Even though I still keep a paper journal where I write down a lot of my emotions, encounters, etc. I still like the idea of keeping my blog up to date. It's more telling is a lot of ways. I actually found my old blog on xanga recently. It's been kind of entertaining to go back through some of my old posts and remember the things that were driving me crazy 5+ years ago. It's so funny how some of the issues mean as much to me now and they did then and others I can't figure out my own cryptic descriptions enough to even wager a guess at what was bothering me.
But, those old posts are me. I remember feeling those emotions. I remember being that innocent and that excited about life and all it had to offer. I remember being angry and bitter when things weren't going how I wanted them to or when I felt like I was invisible to the people I wanted most to see me. And I look at myself now and see the differences...it amazes me. Everyone changes in high school and college, but to literally have blog entries to compare to myself now, it was entertaining.
Looking at those entries and looking at what I wanted for myself in the future, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself. My core hasn't changed. I still want the same things. I'm perhaps a little more analytical about my approach to achieving those goals now, but they are in fact the same. My passions are the same. I found a list of "Things I wish more people knew about Me" from November of 2005 when I was a junior in high school:
What I love is that all of these things are still true (well, except the poetry and song part...I haven't done that in at least 3 years). I am more decisive than I used to be, but not by much, and I'm getting better about emotional buildup, but it's still something I struggle with. But this is still me. It's good to know that I am still the same person, just a wiser, more mature version of myself.
I honestly don't feel like I've gained a significant amount of new knowledge during my first semester of grad school. Sure, I could rattle off information about theories of development or college campus environmental analysis perspectives, but I don't view that as critical knowledge for the future, even if I should. Instead, what I have taken away from this semester more than anything else is a deeper understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I have been more reflective (both intentionally and unintentionally) this semester than I think I ever have. And it's been wonderful for me.
I know I'm where I am supposed to be. I miss Texas more and more everyday and if I didn't have a fellow Texas Aggie up here keeping me company than I would probably lose my mind. But I know I need to do this. I need this experience. I need this opportunity to learn more about myself if nothing else. I'm learning more about what I want out of life, professionally, personally, emotionally, relationship wise, than I ever did at home. I am forced to take the time to self-evaluate, and it's been amazing. I'm realizing there are certain things that I want in life, and certain things I deserve. I'm learning more about people, not just myself but others and what makes them operate and really trying to take the time to establish real relationships with others.
I don't know where this is going to take me. I have no idea what I'm going to be considering doing with my life this time next year when I start job-searching. I'm really being forced by powers outside of my control as well as myself to enjoy the moment. I don't have to worry about that right now. Right now my concern is what is happening around me. I'll develop my goals. Goals are important. But now is a learning opportunity I must seize with intensity and enthusiasm. I'm trying not to get bogged down with the details. I'm never going to have this opportunity again. Why not make the most of it?
But, those old posts are me. I remember feeling those emotions. I remember being that innocent and that excited about life and all it had to offer. I remember being angry and bitter when things weren't going how I wanted them to or when I felt like I was invisible to the people I wanted most to see me. And I look at myself now and see the differences...it amazes me. Everyone changes in high school and college, but to literally have blog entries to compare to myself now, it was entertaining.
Looking at those entries and looking at what I wanted for myself in the future, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself. My core hasn't changed. I still want the same things. I'm perhaps a little more analytical about my approach to achieving those goals now, but they are in fact the same. My passions are the same. I found a list of "Things I wish more people knew about Me" from November of 2005 when I was a junior in high school:
- I love to goof off and be stupid. I don't mind making a fool out of myself, even if I come across as being embarrassed
- I'm very passionate...if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right
- I hate quitting
- I'm not the most graceful person in the world...in fact, I'm rather clumsy
- I went through a time in my life when I literally had no friends at all...my all time low
- I'm quick to forgive...but not necessarily quick to forget
- I'm very analytical. I think a lot more than I talk
- I love it when guys can make me laugh...not just giggle, but really laugh
- I hate cliques
- School spirit is a must...even if it means dressing a little funny and acting a little weird, apathy isn't any fun
- I believe in the power of Love
- I'm really really emotional
- I drive with my windows rolled down and my stereo turned way up and sing at the top of my lungs
- I'm really indecisive
- Pessimistic people annoy me greatly...also people who never or rarely use common sense
- I like to lay out at night and look at the stars
- My favorite place to be is somewhere in prayer
- Favorite bible verse: 1 Peter 5:7
- I'm not ticklish...unless I want to be
- I worry about problems..whether they are mine or someone else's
- I tend to let things build up inside me and then explode all at one time
- I'm really really old fashion
- I love to write...poetry, prose, song...anything
What I love is that all of these things are still true (well, except the poetry and song part...I haven't done that in at least 3 years). I am more decisive than I used to be, but not by much, and I'm getting better about emotional buildup, but it's still something I struggle with. But this is still me. It's good to know that I am still the same person, just a wiser, more mature version of myself.
I honestly don't feel like I've gained a significant amount of new knowledge during my first semester of grad school. Sure, I could rattle off information about theories of development or college campus environmental analysis perspectives, but I don't view that as critical knowledge for the future, even if I should. Instead, what I have taken away from this semester more than anything else is a deeper understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I have been more reflective (both intentionally and unintentionally) this semester than I think I ever have. And it's been wonderful for me.
I know I'm where I am supposed to be. I miss Texas more and more everyday and if I didn't have a fellow Texas Aggie up here keeping me company than I would probably lose my mind. But I know I need to do this. I need this experience. I need this opportunity to learn more about myself if nothing else. I'm learning more about what I want out of life, professionally, personally, emotionally, relationship wise, than I ever did at home. I am forced to take the time to self-evaluate, and it's been amazing. I'm realizing there are certain things that I want in life, and certain things I deserve. I'm learning more about people, not just myself but others and what makes them operate and really trying to take the time to establish real relationships with others.
I don't know where this is going to take me. I have no idea what I'm going to be considering doing with my life this time next year when I start job-searching. I'm really being forced by powers outside of my control as well as myself to enjoy the moment. I don't have to worry about that right now. Right now my concern is what is happening around me. I'll develop my goals. Goals are important. But now is a learning opportunity I must seize with intensity and enthusiasm. I'm trying not to get bogged down with the details. I'm never going to have this opportunity again. Why not make the most of it?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Update from Iowa
So I've been officially living in Iowa since August 6--I did take a vacation to Virginia Beach to visit a friend for 5 days but, other then that, I have been hanging out in Coralville and Iowa City. It is amazing how different it is from Texas. I love the people, I'm going to have some amazing opportunities in my assistantship that are going to potentially open a lot of doors, and the community is dynamic and exciting. I've found a church that I think I'm going to really enjoy with a great group of grad students and young professionals that are really active. Everything seems to be falling into place a going well. I'm happy. I'm glad I'm here.
But oh my goodness gracious am I homesick. Watching all of the excitement pop up on my facebook newsfeed about A&M leaving the Big 12, potentially joining the SEC, football game this weekend, class starting, all of these great songs, videos, links, images, hype. And I'm not there. Not only am I not there, I am way to far away to just go when I want to. And not only that, I'm on a college campus that has such a different dynamic from A&M that it's really hard for me to wrap my mind around why things are the way they are here and how they got that way. Students aren't involved, community service is something the administration is working hard to put up as a pillar of the school, but it's not there yet, I'm in a VERY liberal community, and, more than anything, I just miss A&M. I know the dynamic would have been different had I stayed for graduate school, but it was still home. More than Texarkana, more than anywhere else I've lived. And, I know a lot of my friendships there would have been strained at best given everything that happened last month, but it's more than the people. It's the place. It's that feeling you get when you hear the train whistle blowing as you watch the sun come up over Kyle Field. The chinging of spurs on the sidewalks of the quad, the buzz of gameday, the rush of excitement when the drummers lead the Aggies on to the field. The dedication of the 12th Man, not only on game day but everyday. The feeling of solemn connectedness at Silver Taps or Muster...the things that are truly unique to A&M and can't be explained anywhere else you go.
I learned a lot about myself during my 4 years at A&M. Some good, some not so good, and most of it definitely not while I was sitting in a classroom. They were the best and worst days of my life. Even though I'm not on the path I thought I was headed down when I graduated or even the entire time I was there I still feel like it's home. It will always be home, no matter where I go or what I do. Even though it's growing and changing and morphing into something that I won't recognize one day, much like my parents did not recognize campus when they brought me in 2007, A&M will forever be my home.
Iowa is not meant to be home. Graduate institutions aren't, I feel like. I'm here to learn and to get a degree. I want it to be a fun experience and I'm sure there will be aspects of UI that I really enjoy. And, I'm sure at some point I will experience some kind of emotional connection with the school. It's just really frustrating knowing that I had that immediately at A&M and I don't have that now. I constantly find myself reflecting on my undergraduate experience, trying to apply what I'm learning in my Higher Ed classes to what I went through. Some apply, some don't. But mostly it just makes me miss it. And I want to go home...
But oh my goodness gracious am I homesick. Watching all of the excitement pop up on my facebook newsfeed about A&M leaving the Big 12, potentially joining the SEC, football game this weekend, class starting, all of these great songs, videos, links, images, hype. And I'm not there. Not only am I not there, I am way to far away to just go when I want to. And not only that, I'm on a college campus that has such a different dynamic from A&M that it's really hard for me to wrap my mind around why things are the way they are here and how they got that way. Students aren't involved, community service is something the administration is working hard to put up as a pillar of the school, but it's not there yet, I'm in a VERY liberal community, and, more than anything, I just miss A&M. I know the dynamic would have been different had I stayed for graduate school, but it was still home. More than Texarkana, more than anywhere else I've lived. And, I know a lot of my friendships there would have been strained at best given everything that happened last month, but it's more than the people. It's the place. It's that feeling you get when you hear the train whistle blowing as you watch the sun come up over Kyle Field. The chinging of spurs on the sidewalks of the quad, the buzz of gameday, the rush of excitement when the drummers lead the Aggies on to the field. The dedication of the 12th Man, not only on game day but everyday. The feeling of solemn connectedness at Silver Taps or Muster...the things that are truly unique to A&M and can't be explained anywhere else you go.
I learned a lot about myself during my 4 years at A&M. Some good, some not so good, and most of it definitely not while I was sitting in a classroom. They were the best and worst days of my life. Even though I'm not on the path I thought I was headed down when I graduated or even the entire time I was there I still feel like it's home. It will always be home, no matter where I go or what I do. Even though it's growing and changing and morphing into something that I won't recognize one day, much like my parents did not recognize campus when they brought me in 2007, A&M will forever be my home.
Iowa is not meant to be home. Graduate institutions aren't, I feel like. I'm here to learn and to get a degree. I want it to be a fun experience and I'm sure there will be aspects of UI that I really enjoy. And, I'm sure at some point I will experience some kind of emotional connection with the school. It's just really frustrating knowing that I had that immediately at A&M and I don't have that now. I constantly find myself reflecting on my undergraduate experience, trying to apply what I'm learning in my Higher Ed classes to what I went through. Some apply, some don't. But mostly it just makes me miss it. And I want to go home...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The First Day....
Today is the first day of the rest of my life....
It is amazing how quickly life can be altered. One day you are headed down the course you expected, the course you planned for yourself. You may not know what lies around the bend or across the way, but it's familiar in its own right. The next moment however, life can throw you a curve ball, or you wake up and realize that you aren't where you want to be and the path you're taking isn't going to get you there. What then?
Until Monday I was engaged to one of my best friends. He and I had been to hell and back, had our ups and downs, and loved each other with a love I will never be able to fully explain. We survived one broken engagement, having separated for six months after being engaged for seven months, and I really felt like we had made a lot of progress on our previous issues. We were more open and I voiced my concerns much more readily than in the past.
But something was eating at me, from the inside out. Something wasn't right. I prayed harder and harder everyday, praying that this gut feeling that was eating away inside of me was wrong. I had begun to open up to friends about what we had gone through as a couple, how I was feeling about some of the issues I was voicing that kept getting ignored. I'm moving to Iowa to start graduate school next month-far away from College Station and Texarkana. Problems like we had couldn't be addressed from a distance that far. I was worried, and I was being held back. For weeks I didn't want to believe that to be true, but the more I examined it the more evident it became. I knew that when I visited him in College Station last weekend, it would probably be the last time.
That was the longest drive ever. I was miserable for the entire five hours. But I knew I was making the right decision. Luckily we were able to have some good times before I left-times that I will treasure for a lifetime. He helped mold me into the person I am today, helped me to discover what I want out of life. I hope that one day he can have the same realizations I have had.
Unfortunately, in all of this mess, I have also lost some friends, and one of my best ones, probably forever. Funny how life works that way...
Now I am in limbo, waiting to see what happens next. I am excited about what the future holds in a new place. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am sprinting towards it with everything I have.
It is amazing how quickly life can be altered. One day you are headed down the course you expected, the course you planned for yourself. You may not know what lies around the bend or across the way, but it's familiar in its own right. The next moment however, life can throw you a curve ball, or you wake up and realize that you aren't where you want to be and the path you're taking isn't going to get you there. What then?
Until Monday I was engaged to one of my best friends. He and I had been to hell and back, had our ups and downs, and loved each other with a love I will never be able to fully explain. We survived one broken engagement, having separated for six months after being engaged for seven months, and I really felt like we had made a lot of progress on our previous issues. We were more open and I voiced my concerns much more readily than in the past.
But something was eating at me, from the inside out. Something wasn't right. I prayed harder and harder everyday, praying that this gut feeling that was eating away inside of me was wrong. I had begun to open up to friends about what we had gone through as a couple, how I was feeling about some of the issues I was voicing that kept getting ignored. I'm moving to Iowa to start graduate school next month-far away from College Station and Texarkana. Problems like we had couldn't be addressed from a distance that far. I was worried, and I was being held back. For weeks I didn't want to believe that to be true, but the more I examined it the more evident it became. I knew that when I visited him in College Station last weekend, it would probably be the last time.
That was the longest drive ever. I was miserable for the entire five hours. But I knew I was making the right decision. Luckily we were able to have some good times before I left-times that I will treasure for a lifetime. He helped mold me into the person I am today, helped me to discover what I want out of life. I hope that one day he can have the same realizations I have had.
Unfortunately, in all of this mess, I have also lost some friends, and one of my best ones, probably forever. Funny how life works that way...
Now I am in limbo, waiting to see what happens next. I am excited about what the future holds in a new place. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am sprinting towards it with everything I have.
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