Post Thanksgiving

Well, the semester is almost over.  I really did mean to keep up with this a little bit more, but honestly I kind of forgot about it.  I'm going to try and do better though.  Even though I still keep a paper journal where I write down a lot of my emotions, encounters, etc. I still like the idea of keeping my blog up to date.  It's more telling is a lot of ways.  I actually found my old blog on xanga recently.  It's been kind of entertaining to go back through some of my old posts and remember the things that were driving me crazy 5+ years ago.  It's so funny how some of the issues mean as much to me now and they did then and others I can't figure out my own cryptic descriptions enough to even wager a guess at what was bothering me.

But, those old posts are me.  I remember feeling those emotions. I remember being that innocent and that excited about life and all it had to offer.  I remember being angry and bitter when things weren't going how I wanted them to or when I felt like I was invisible to the people I wanted most to see me.  And I look at myself now and see the differences...it amazes me.  Everyone changes in high school and college, but to literally have blog entries to compare to myself now, it was entertaining.

Looking at those entries and looking at what I wanted for myself in the future, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself.  My core hasn't changed.  I still want the same things.  I'm perhaps a little more analytical about my approach to achieving those goals now, but they are in fact the same.  My passions are the same.  I found a list of "Things I wish more people knew about Me" from November of 2005 when I was a junior in high school:

• I love to goof off and be stupid. I don't mind making a fool out of myself, even if I come across as being embarrassed 


• I'm very passionate...if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right 
• I hate quitting 


• I'm not the most graceful person in the world...in fact, I'm rather clumsy 
• 

I went through a time in my life when I literally had no friends at all...my all time low 


• I'm quick to forgive...but not necessarily quick to forget

 
• I'm very analytical.  I think a lot more than I talk 
• 

I love it when guys can make me laugh...not just giggle, but really laugh 


• I hate cliques

• School spirit is a must...even if it means dressing a little funny and acting a little weird, apathy isn't any fun
• I believe in the power of Love
• I'm really really emotional 


• I drive with my windows rolled down and my stereo turned way up and sing at the top of my lungs


• I'm really indecisive
• Pessimistic people annoy me greatly...also people who never or rarely use common sense
• I like to lay out at night and look at the stars
• My favorite place to be is somewhere in prayer
• Favorite bible verse: 1 Peter 5:7


• I'm not ticklish...unless I want to be
• I worry about problems..whether they are mine or someone else's


• I tend to let things build up inside me and then explode all at one time
• I'm really really old fashion
• I love to write...poetry, prose, song...anything

What I love is that all of these things are still true (well, except the poetry and song part...I haven't done that in at least 3 years).  I am more decisive than I used to be, but not by much, and I'm getting better about emotional buildup, but it's still something I struggle with.  But this is still me. It's good to know that I am still the same person, just a wiser, more mature version of myself.

I honestly don't feel like I've gained a significant amount of new knowledge during my first semester of grad school.  Sure, I could rattle off information about theories of development or college campus environmental analysis perspectives, but I don't view that as critical knowledge for the future, even if I should.  Instead, what I have taken away from this semester more than anything else is a deeper understanding of myself and why I am the way I am.  I have been more reflective (both intentionally and unintentionally) this semester than I think I ever have.  And it's been wonderful for me.

I know I'm where I am supposed to be.  I miss Texas more and more everyday and if I didn't have a fellow Texas Aggie up here keeping me company than I would probably lose my mind.  But I know I need to do this.  I need this experience.  I need this opportunity to learn more about myself if nothing else.  I'm learning more about what I want out of life, professionally, personally, emotionally, relationship wise, than I ever did at home.  I am forced to take the time to self-evaluate, and it's been amazing.  I'm realizing there are certain things that I want in life, and certain things I deserve. I'm learning more about people, not just myself but others and what makes them operate and really trying to take the time to establish real relationships with others.

I don't know where this is going to take me.  I have no idea what I'm going to be considering doing with my life this time next year when I start job-searching.  I'm really being forced by powers outside of my control as well as myself to enjoy the moment.  I don't have to worry about that right now.  Right now my concern is what is happening around me.  I'll develop my goals.  Goals are important.  But now is a learning opportunity I must seize with intensity and enthusiasm.  I'm trying not to get bogged down with the details.  I'm never going to have this opportunity again.  Why not make the most of it?

Update from Iowa

So I've been officially living in Iowa since August 6--I did take a vacation to Virginia Beach to visit a friend for 5 days but, other then that, I have been hanging out in Coralville and Iowa City.  It is amazing how different it is from Texas.  I love the people, I'm going to have some amazing opportunities in my assistantship that are going to potentially open a lot of doors, and the community is dynamic and exciting.  I've found a church that I think I'm going to really enjoy with a great group of grad students and young professionals that are really active.  Everything seems to be falling into place a going well.  I'm happy.  I'm glad I'm here.

But oh my goodness gracious am I homesick.  Watching all of the excitement pop up on my facebook newsfeed about A&M leaving the Big 12, potentially joining the SEC, football game this weekend, class starting, all of these great songs, videos, links, images, hype.  And I'm not there.  Not only am I not there, I am way to far away to just go when I want to.  And not only that, I'm on a college campus that has such a different dynamic from A&M that it's really hard for me to wrap my mind around why things are the way they are here and how they got that way.  Students aren't involved, community service is something the administration is working hard to put up as a pillar of the school, but it's not there yet, I'm in a VERY liberal community, and, more than anything, I just miss A&M.  I know the dynamic would have been different had I stayed for graduate school, but it was still home.  More than Texarkana, more than anywhere else I've lived.  And, I know a lot of my friendships there would have been strained at best given everything that happened last month, but it's more than the people.  It's the place.  It's that feeling you get when you hear the train whistle blowing as you watch the sun come up over Kyle Field.  The chinging of spurs on the sidewalks of the quad, the buzz of gameday, the rush of excitement when the drummers lead the Aggies on to the field.  The dedication of the 12th Man, not only on game day but everyday.  The feeling of solemn connectedness at Silver Taps or Muster...the things that are truly unique to A&M and can't be explained anywhere else you go.

I learned a lot about myself during my 4 years at A&M.  Some good, some not so good, and most of it definitely not while I was sitting in a classroom.  They were the best and worst days of my life.  Even though I'm not on the path I thought I was headed down when I graduated or even the entire time I was there I still feel like it's home.  It will always be home, no matter where I go or what I do.  Even though it's growing and changing and morphing into something that I won't recognize one day, much like my parents did not recognize campus when they brought me in 2007, A&M will forever be my home.

Iowa is not meant to be home.  Graduate institutions aren't, I feel like.  I'm here to learn and to get a degree.  I want it to be a fun experience and I'm sure there will be aspects of UI that I really enjoy.  And, I'm sure at some point I will experience some kind of emotional connection with the school.  It's just really frustrating knowing that I had that immediately at A&M and I don't have that now.  I constantly find myself reflecting on my undergraduate experience, trying to apply what I'm learning in my Higher Ed classes to what I went through.  Some apply, some don't.  But mostly it just makes me miss it.  And I want to go home...

The First Day....

Today is the first day of the rest of my life....

It is amazing how quickly life can be altered.  One day you are headed down the course you expected, the course you planned for yourself.  You may not know what lies around the bend or across the way, but it's familiar in its own right.  The next moment however, life can throw you a curve ball, or you wake up and realize that you aren't where you want to be and the path you're taking isn't going to get you there.  What then?

Until Monday I was engaged to one of my best friends.  He and I had been to hell and back, had our ups and downs, and loved each other with a love I will never be able to fully explain.  We survived one broken engagement, having separated for six months after being engaged for seven months, and I really felt like we had made a lot of progress on our previous issues.  We were more open and I voiced my concerns much more readily than in the past.

But something was eating at me, from the inside out.  Something wasn't right.  I prayed harder and harder everyday, praying that this gut feeling that was eating away inside of me was wrong.  I had begun to open up to friends about what we had gone through as a couple, how I was feeling about some of the issues I was voicing that kept getting ignored.  I'm moving to Iowa to start graduate school next month-far away from College Station and Texarkana.  Problems like we had couldn't be addressed from a distance that far.  I was worried, and I was being held back.  For weeks I didn't want to believe that to be true, but the more I examined it the more evident it became.  I knew that when I visited him in College Station last weekend, it would probably be the last time.

That was the longest drive ever.  I was miserable for the entire five hours.  But I knew I was making the right decision.  Luckily we were able to have some good times before I left-times that I will treasure for a lifetime.  He helped mold me into the person I am today, helped me to discover what I want out of life.  I hope that one day he can have the same realizations I have had.

Unfortunately, in all of this mess, I have also lost some friends, and one of my best ones, probably forever.  Funny how life works that way...

Now I am in limbo, waiting to see what happens next.  I am excited about what the future holds in a new place.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am sprinting towards it with everything I have.